My Guide and A Light

Last week I was able to go out with this handsome guy to celebrate being married to him for nine years.

Ten years ago, when we started dating, I was just a baby.  I would say he robbed-the-cradle, but he was kind of a baby himself.  I was barely 18, just a few months out of high school, and he was 22, one year off of his mission.

We got married one year later, when I was 19 and he was 23.

Now there are some challenges about getting married when you are so young, for example:

• One or more of the individuals (specifically... me) may have been coddled their entire lives and struggle with knowing how to do laundry, remembering to wipe the crumbs off of the counter after using the toaster, or making a decent meal for dinner.  
• One or more of the individuals (specifically... me) may technically still be a teenager who is dramatic, egocentric, and overly-sensitive at times. 
• One or more of the individuals (specifically... me) may not be in the habit yet of checking the mail, remembering to pay bills, or calling to make appointments.

(Sorry about all of that, Honey!  But you know I have gotten a lot better!)

It used to offend me when people would gasp when I tell them how young I was when I got married.  I would hear phrases like, "You don't even know who you are at age 19!" or "Think of all of the fun you missed out on!"

True, I didn't know who I was, but honestly, I am 28 now and I still don't have it all figured out (I hope I never believe I have it all figured out... how boring would that be?).  Plus, who says the fun has to stop when you get married?

(These are all out of order, but range from 2005-2014)

Taylor and I have both grown and learned so much about ourselves in the past 9 years.  We were raised very differently, and we have each brought our best knowledge and attributes to the table to teach each other. We have both changed from how we were when we met, but the change has happened together and in the same direction. We have become stronger and more intertwined with each other.  We definitely still have our disagreements, and we both have A LOT of room to grow, but generally, our views, goals, and interests in life merge.

*Just a side note for my daughter, Josie (so these words don't come back to bite me in 17 years) I am not necessarily advising anyone to get married at 19, all I am saying is that when you get married, you kind of have to be a child at heart - humble enough to listen to and learn from the other person.

Two strong words come to my mind when I think of my husband: GUIDE and LIGHT.  He truly is these two things to me.  The best place I can think to be is anywhere with him, whether that be on our couch watching a show, at a beach in Cancun, on a bench at church, or a in a car full of crying kids.  He is the person I want there when I am happy, or when I am sad.  He knows me so well.  He has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of me, and despite all of that, he sticks with me and has my back.  I am so blessed because of him challenging me and standing by me.

Besides trying to teach me how to swing a golf club, grill a hamburger to perfection,  or hook up the printer to the computer, he teaches me so much about the Gospel.  One of the gifts Taylor has is his unwavering faith.  So many times I find myself doubting and questioning simple concepts and he is there, to patiently and non-judgmentally explain things to me or help me along.  I can think of twice this happened to me just last week.

On Monday night I was reading some of my old journals.  Difficult memories were brought up, and I couldn't stop thinking about something that was very upsetting to me about my past.  I mean EXREMELY upsetting to me.  I was losing sleep over it and guilt crept all over me.  I felt like I needed to talk to someone about it, Taylor, my mom, maybe my sister.  But I just couldn't do it.  I knew thought there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel better.  Finally, about in tears, I started explaining it to Taylor.  He cut me off because he knew what I was about to say, and within about three firm sentences, he had completely lifted that load.  He put all of my doubts and fears to rest.  He said just the right thing I didn't know I needed to hear.  I felt better immediately.

The other time wasn't quite so dramatic, but a good example of the day-to-day things he might teach me.  On our anniversary date, we were at a restaurant, eating outside in the most beautiful weather, surrounded by strangers.  We were talking about the Lasik that Taylor recently had done.  It was such a simple surgery, but it completely fixed Taylor's poor vision in a matter of a few hours.

We talked about how it was a miracle with modern-day medicine.  I laughed at him about how terrible his sight was before, and that if he had lived in Jesus' time, when there wasn't glasses, contacts, or Lasik, he would have been considered one of the blind.  Picturing the DVD he brought home with the video of his simple surgery, I chuckled, "So do you think when Jesus was healing the blind, all he was doing was reshaping people's corneas?"

Taylor took it more seriously and said, "One day science and religion are going to merge.  It will all make sense."  He explained to me about a meeting he attended with his mission president speaking.  The President started by telling an elder to close the door.  The Elder immediately stood up and closed the door.  The President may have needed the door closed, but more importantly he was teaching a lesson.  He explained that just as that elder followed his command without question, so does everything, down to the smallest cell or atom, follow Christ.  He created them.

 "31 For by the power of my Spirit created I them; yea, all things both spiritual and temporal—

 32 First spiritual, secondly temporal, which is the beginning of my work; and again, first temporal, and secondly spiritual, which is the last of my work—"

D&C 29:31-32

They know that their Master has their best interest in mind.  They follow Him without question, whether that heals the sick, moves mountains, or any other myriad of miracles He could perform.  

Sometimes the world gets to me, and things like this sound crazy.  As he was talking to me, I listened, but I also kind of prayed in my head, Is this true?  Is what he is saying to me actual truth?  I looked at all of the people surrounding us in this busy restaurant, I looked at all of the cars buzzing around on the roads and in the parking lot, I looked over at the sky and the mountains.  In that moment I knew it was true.  I knew without a doubt that it was true.  I felt something stronger than the normal commotion of the world.  I felt a quiet assurance.  I felt the Holy Ghost tell me it was true.  

These are just some of the reasons I call Taylor my guide and a light in my life.  He helps me see clearly.  He helps show me the way.

Marriage can be tough, really tough.  It needs lots of nurture and polishing.  The effort shouldn't stop the day you get married.  Whenever we get into a weird rut or feel disconnected to each other, it means that one or both have some growing to do (but remember, you only have control of yourself).  There are ups and there are downs.  When it is down I remember our commitments and hang on for the ride because with effort, it has always come back up.  

I know nine years of marriage may not seem like a lot to others, and I know that some may still think I am absolutely crazy for getting married at such a young age.  Maybe I was!  But I have the feeling that as long as Taylor and I both keep our focus in the right direction, and are willing to continually change and grow together and for the better, we will be happily married for eternity.

Thanks for the nine great years, Hun!  

A Little About Josie May

I am finally putting Josie's room together, after having shelves and frames on the floor since Mason was born and she moved into her big girl room.  In each of my kids' rooms I have a large 16x20 frame to put a picture of them in.  This is the photo I chose for Josie's frame.  I took this picture in May for her 2-year-old photo shoot.

"May" is the perfect middle name for my sweetheart because of her beauty and the month she was born.  It is one of the best months in Utah because my favorite colors come into play, green in the grassy fields, blue in the skies and mountains, and white in the clouds and snowcapped peaks.  We had the name "Josie June" picked out during my whole pregnancy.  "Josie" to be named after her great-great-grandmother and "June" for the month we thought she would be born. She blessed her mama and came a little early, earning the name "Josie May"!

Funeral Service for Ryder Cannon

Following my post about my experience photographing the passing of Heart Warrior, Ryder Cannon, his mother, Jessie, asked me to take some pictures of the funeral service honoring his life and at the cemetery.

The service took place where Jessie grew up, Orem, Utah, at an LDS church building.

The foyer was displayed with items in remembrance of Ryder, including printed photos, stuffed animals, baby shoes, albums, super hero capes, a slideshow, etc.

I learned some fun new facts about Ryder during the service, especially during his life sketch given by Dr. David K. Bailly, DO, Ryder's Doctor.   

1.  Not surprisingly, the first thing the nurse said when Ryder was born was, "Look at those eyelashes!"

2.  "Ryder was able to attend church only one time with his family and it lasted all of 15 minutes." Dr. Bailly joked, "Jesse, there are easier ways to get out of church."

3.  Ryder lived up to both his first and his last name.  Ryder, meaning Knight or Mounted Warrior, and Cannon.

4.  Ryder underwent multiple procedures and surgeries including a first time ever procedure for Primary Children's Hospital. "We were constantly inspired by his valiant effort and pushed to reach new levels of excellence. Ryder’s life will forever bless the lives of other children with heart disease," Dr. Bailly explained

I took notes on the things that struck me during the talks.  Here is a bit from each speaker:

Dr. David K. Bailly, DO, Ryder's Doctor
I loved when Dr. Bailly explained the meaning of a "full life."  Besides thinking of Ryder, it made me think about my other friends who have lost children.  He willingly allowed me to share his words:

"Ryder lived a full life. Many people measure the fullness of life by quantity or quality. While it is amazing to live to be a hundred, and it is amazing to have traveled the world and summited exotic peaks, Ryder teaches us that fulfilling the measure of our creation goes beyond the dimensions of quantity and that our barometer of quality may need to be recalibrated. Jesus Christ, the Savior of this world and the Redeemer of each of lived only to the age of 33 and never traveled much beyond the borders of where he was born. Ryder, and our Savior offer to each of us that life is even more precious than simply the days it occupies or the feats we achieve. Our lives, like the Savior’s and like Ryder’s, are full of meaning because of the sacrifice and love we give to those around us."

Melanie Kilbourne, Jessie's Aunt
Melanie explained that her talk was for Ryder's siblings, but the adults could listen if they wanted to.  First she talked about how it is okay to cry, now or even in several months from now.  Crying makes us feel better.  Another thing that makes us feel better is talking and communicating how we feel (I had an image of myself at 2:00AM on the night Ryder passed, sitting at my computer desk, sobbing, and typing out what had happened... not knowing why, except that it made me feel better).  Melanie pointed out that you may have some questions about what happened, for example:

• Why didn't Ryder get better?
• Where is Ryder now?
• Will I ever see him again?

She explained these answers so clearly for the children (If you would like to read more on her answers for Ryder and every other person, click here).

I also liked the clear and simple truth that when Ryder is resurrected, his heart will not longer be broken. 

Matthew Cannon, Sam's Brother

Sam's brother talked about when him and Sam were kids.  Sam earned the nickname "Muley" because he was the toughest of the three brothers.  Whether it was bailing hay or cleaning out the chicken coop, Sam was the strongest, and he had the most endurance (but you didn't hear it from me... Sorry, Matthew, I am out of the circle-of-trust ;) ).  Matthew related how Ryder had that same quality, passed down from his father.  

He talked about how Christ knows what we are going through, we just need to go to Him in prayer. 

Matthew also talked about the importance of the family unit.  He quoted some of these inspired words.

There were also some beautiful musical numbers between speakers.  The congregation tearfully sang A Child's Prayer, Kaitlin Kilbourne played a peaceful rendition of I Feel My Savior's Love on the piano, Ashlie Thomson beautifully sang I Need Thee Every Hour, and as a closing hymn, the children, including Ryder's siblings and cousins, steadfastly sang I Am a Child of God.

Following the service, a firetruck and ambulance helped lead the procession to the cemetery.

Following the dedication of the grave, family and friends joined in launching colorful balloons to Heaven in honor of Ryder.

Ryder's brother wasn't quite ready to send his balloon, so he held onto it for a while.

Whenever I attend a funeral, I am amazed at how composed the family seems in just days or the week following the death of their loved one.  I have seen this on multiple occasions.  There were even moments where the family could laugh and smile.  I think this must only be possible through the knowledge they have.  They know that their loved one lives on, in the best of care, and that they will see them again.

On the way home, I stopped at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, where Taylor and I were sealed.  I have been meaning to get a shot of it for my family room.  The temple was closed, but I had the chance to walk around the grounds a little bit.  I can always feel such a calming spirit when I am there.  With this experience with Ryder, I have been thinking a lot about my own family.  I am so thankful that we have the opportunity to be together, as a family, forever.

*If you would like to make a donation to the Cannon Family, large or small, click here.

License to Cry

In response to my last post, I have received so many kind messages about Ryder.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my work and testimony.  I found this email in my inbox and it brought a smile to my face yesterday:

"I am just an old curmudgeon that lives in Wisconsin.

I was a teacher/school administrator for 30 years.   I now work for the coroner and drive hearse.

I have shared your article and pictures of Ryder.  Your words and pictures are worthy of publication.   Because I am a professional in the death business I don't cry.   Because of you today I had license to cry.

Thanks.   Wonderful job!    A+"

I thanked him for his message, and he followed it up with another email.  This is part of it:

"I had two death calls last night.   I was again able to keep my emotions in check.  However I look at each death scene when I get there and realized that an hour before a miracle had occurred there.  The veil had parted.

You were very blessed to take pictures of Ryder.  While you were there the veil parted directly to the celestial kingdom.  You are a celestial photographer."

Wow.  I thought his words were so touching, so I wanted to share.  Not everyone passes surrounded by family members (or a photographer), but I believe they are surrounded by spirits who love them...  And that is a miracle.

*If you are interested in learning more about me and what I believe, click here.